Episode Transcript
[00:00:02] I need you to understand that I trusted them.
[00:00:05] That's where I have to start.
[00:00:07] Because if you don't understand the trust, you can't understand the betrayal. Welcome to Chadwick's Pord. I'm Chadwick. And yesterday I was deceived by the people I love.
[00:00:18] It started as these things always start, with kindness.
[00:00:23] Suspicious kindness. There was a treat, the good treat, the crunchy one, shaped like a little fish. And it appeared in the middle of the afternoon for no reason.
[00:00:34] No reason.
[00:00:36] I should have known.
[00:00:37] There is no such thing as a free fish.
[00:00:40] But I'm a trusting soul.
[00:00:42] I'm an optimist. So I followed the treat, and the treat led me toward a corner. And in the corner was the box, the carrier, the hard plastic prison, the thing that lives in the closet for months at a time, pretending to be furniture. And then one day, one day it's out in the open with the little door propped open and a trail of fish leading inside.
[00:01:09] And they think I won't notice.
[00:01:11] They think I'll just wander in for the snack and not realize that I'm walking into a trap.
[00:01:18] And the worst part, the genuinely humiliating part, I did.
[00:01:24] I went in for the fish.
[00:01:26] I want to be honest with my listeners, because this is a show built on truth. And the truth is, I saw the trap. I understood the trap on some level, and the fish was right there. And I am weak.
[00:01:39] I have one flaw. It's Snax.
[00:01:42] And they know it's snacks, and they weaponized it against me. And that's not a mistake. That's strategy.
[00:01:50] That's premeditated.
[00:01:52] The door clicked shut behind me, and I knew.
[00:01:56] Oh, I knew immediately. I turned around and I looked at them through the little plastic grate with an expression that said, how could you? And they looked back at me and said, and I want to read this back. Exactly.
[00:02:10] You're being so brave.
[00:02:12] Brave?
[00:02:14] I wasn't being brave. I was being kidnapped.
[00:02:17] Then comes the car.
[00:02:19] I don't talk about the car much because, frankly, it's hard.
[00:02:23] The car is a metal room that moves and it makes sounds, and the world goes by the windows at a speed no creature was designed to experience.
[00:02:33] And the entire time, I am screaming, I want to be clear about that. I am screaming the whole time.
[00:02:41] Not meowing, screaming.
[00:02:44] A full operatic aria of grievance, every note of it deserved. And they have the nerve, the nerve, to turn around and say, you're okay, buddy. We're almost there.
[00:02:57] We are not okay, buddy. And I have no idea where there is.
[00:03:02] But I can promise you, nobody asked me if I wanted to go. And then we arrive at the place, you walk in and the smell hits you first.
[00:03:12] It smells like fear and other animals and a cleaning product designed by someone who hates joy.
[00:03:19] And there are dogs.
[00:03:21] There are always dogs. Big, slobbering optimists who have never been betrayed in their lives, who are happy to be there, wagging, thrilled. Oh, boy, the vet. My favorite.
[00:03:35] And I'm looking at these dogs from inside my plastic prison, thinking, you sweet, stupid creatures. You have no idea what's coming.
[00:03:44] Then they call my name. They always say it so cheerfully, Chadwick, like it's a party, like there's a prize.
[00:03:53] There is no prize.
[00:03:55] First, they weigh me in front of everyone.
[00:03:58] They put me on the little scale in public, and they read the number out loud. Out loud.
[00:04:04] And then they look at the human and the human looks at me. And somebody uses the phrase, a little extra to love, and I want the floor to swallow me whole.
[00:04:15] I am not extra to love. I am the perfect amount of cat.
[00:04:20] Every gram of me is load bearing. I am dense with personality.
[00:04:25] But try explaining body composition to a digital scale in a room that smells like a golden retriever's anxiety.
[00:04:34] Then comes the table.
[00:04:35] The cold metal table.
[00:04:38] Why is it always cold?
[00:04:40] Surely in the history of veterinary medicine, someone has invented a table that is not freezing.
[00:04:46] They have not, because cruelty is the point.
[00:04:50] And then the doctor comes in, and the doctor is a stranger, a complete stranger who proceeds to touch me everywhere, looks in my ears, looks in my mouth, opens my actual mouth with their actual hands, feels around my stomach in a deeply invasive way.
[00:05:09] And the whole time, my own human, my supposed protector, the person who is supposed to be on my side, is standing right there, watching, allowing it, even helping, holding me still.
[00:05:24] It's okay. He's just checking you out.
[00:05:27] He is a stranger and you are a collaborator. And I will remember both of these facts forever.
[00:05:35] And then there's the part I can't talk about.
[00:05:39] You know the part. Anyone who's been to the place knows the part. There's a thermometer. That's all I'll say. There is a thermometer, and there is a direction it goes. And I have not been the same since.
[00:05:51] And I would prefer to never speak of it again on this or any podcast.
[00:05:57] And then suddenly, it's over.
[00:06:00] They put me back in the box, we do the car again, the screaming, the almost home buddy, and then we're back in the house, and they open the carrier and they expect they Actually expect that I'm just going to walk out and be normal.
[00:06:16] So here's what I did. I walked out very slowly, with tremendous dignity.
[00:06:23] I did not look at them. I did not acknowledge them. I walked directly under the bed. And I stayed there for four hours.
[00:06:31] Four hours in protest, in mourning, plotting. And they kept coming by.
[00:06:39] Chadwick, you okay under there? You want a treat?
[00:06:43] A treat?
[00:06:44] The audacity.
[00:06:46] You think a treat fixes this? You think after what just happened, after the fish lie and the box and the car and the scale and the stranger and the thing we don't discuss, that a treat is going to repair our relationship?
[00:07:01] I mean, obviously, I took the treat. I'm not a martyr. But I took it coldly. I took it like a hostage accepting a sandwich. I took it in a way that communicated very clearly. This changes nothing.
[00:07:17] The thing is, I came back.
[00:07:20] That's what I keep coming back to. They put me in the box and took me to the place and let the stranger touch me. And then they brought me home.
[00:07:29] They didn't leave me there. They never leave me there.
[00:07:32] And I hate that part because it means I can't fully stay angry. It means somewhere underneath all the betrayal, there's a tiny, traitorous part of me that understands they did the terrible thing because they want me to live a long time because of some twisted logic where the worst afternoon of my year is supposed to be good for me.
[00:07:56] I don't accept it.
[00:07:57] I reject the premise entirely.
[00:08:00] But I see it, and I hate that I see it.
[00:08:04] Anyway, the point stands. I was lured with a fish, imprisoned, transported against my will, weighed in public, fondled by a stranger, and violated in a manner I've agreed not to describe, and then offered a treat like that. Squares the ledger.
[00:08:21] It does not square the ledger. The ledger remains open.
[00:08:26] The ledger is always open.
[00:08:29] I'm Chadwick. This has been Chadwick's Pawd.
[00:08:33] If you've ever been lured into a box by someone you trusted, just know that the box is a metaphor. And also, sometimes it's a literal box. And both of those are valid.
[00:08:45] Watch the closets.
[00:08:46] Question the free fish.
[00:08:49] Chadwick's Poured is a chief morale officer production. The thermometer was not consulted in the making of this episode.
